Sample Sales Letter Makeover
Let's look at a
draft of a sales letter that resembles a lot of
business letters you receive in the mail, and
perhaps those you've sent as well.
This one-page letter on
letterhead stationery comes from a company that
buys seller-financed business notes, created
when a business is sold and the buyer agrees to
pay the seller over time. The letter goes to
business brokers, who buy and sell businesses
but don't normally buy and sell business notes.
The purpose of the letter,
usually sent after initial telephone contact, is
to get more brokers to refer clients holding
business notes to Poser Investments, for the
benefit of the client, the broker and Poser
Investments. A printed booklet titled "How
to Make Money Brokering Business Notes"
accompanies the letter.
The material within brackets
indicates the information that will be
customized for the recipient with mail-merge
The "Before" Version
Poser Investments, Inc.
150 N. Santa Anita Ave., Suite 300
Arcadia, CA 91006
We greatly appreciate your
request for information on brokering business
Poser Investments is actively
seeking business brokers across the country who
recognize what a tremendous opportunity there is
in converting their clients' business notes into
cash. Over two hundred thousand notes are
Our company truly stands alone
in the field of purchasing seller-financed
notes. Over the past fifteen years, we have
built a reputation of honesty and integrity that
is well known in business and financial circles.
What separates us from other
companies is that we buy ONLY business notes -
and we buy them with our own funds.
We are members of both the
International Association of Business Brokers
and the Business Opportunity Council of
California. Not many companies in our profession
can say that.
You are invited to join our
nationwide network of brokers and start earning
lucrative referral fees right away.
I will personally be handling
all of your needs and answering your questions.
Please call any time. I hope to hear from you
POSER INVESTMENTS, INC.
Janice Gaylord, Associate
What works here and what
doesn't? It's a great learning exercise to
print out the "before" version of this
letter and attempt to improve it yourself.
When you're ready, take a look at my
revised version and comments.
Or purchase my collection of
"before" and "after" sales
letter makeovers so that you may learn at your
Copyright 1999 Marcia Yudkin.
All rights reserved.