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Sample Sales Letter Makeover
"Before" Version

Let's look at a draft of a sales letter that resembles a lot of business letters you receive in the mail, and perhaps those you've sent as well.

This one-page letter on letterhead stationery comes from a company that buys seller-financed business notes, created when a business is sold and the buyer agrees to pay the seller over time. The letter goes to business brokers, who buy and sell businesses but don't normally buy and sell business notes.

The purpose of the letter, usually sent after initial telephone contact, is to get more brokers to refer clients holding business notes to Poser Investments, for the benefit of the client, the broker and Poser Investments. A printed booklet titled "How to Make Money Brokering Business Notes" accompanies the letter.

The material within brackets indicates the information that will be customized for the recipient with mail-merge software.

The "Before" Version

Poser Investments, Inc.
150 N. Santa Anita Ave., Suite 300
Arcadia, CA 91006
FAX 626-445-2029


Dear [broker]:

We greatly appreciate your request for information on brokering business notes.

Poser Investments is actively seeking business brokers across the country who recognize what a tremendous opportunity there is in converting their clients' business notes into cash. Over two hundred thousand notes are created annually.

Our company truly stands alone in the field of purchasing seller-financed notes. Over the past fifteen years, we have built a reputation of honesty and integrity that is well known in business and financial circles.

What separates us from other companies is that we buy ONLY business notes - and we buy them with our own funds.

We are members of both the International Association of Business Brokers and the Business Opportunity Council of California. Not many companies in our profession can say that.

You are invited to join our nationwide network of brokers and start earning lucrative referral fees right away.

I will personally be handling all of your needs and answering your questions. Please call any time. I hope to hear from you soon.


Janice Gaylord, Associate

#  #

What works here and what doesn't?  It's a great learning exercise to print out the "before" version of this letter and attempt to improve it yourself.  When you're ready, take a look at my revised version and comments.

Or purchase my collection of "before" and "after" sales letter makeovers so that you may learn at your leisure.  Details.

Copyright 1999 Marcia Yudkin.  All rights reserved.


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