Sample Sales Letter Makeover
Review the "before"
version of this sample revision of a sales
letter to business brokers.
Here now are my comments on
what the letter needed to get a better response.
Tone: The original
version uses the stuffy, impersonal tone of most
business letters. My rewrite, below, uses
friendlier language to make better contact with
You get a better response when you use the word
"you" more than "I" or
"we." Remember that your market is
always reading a letter like this thinking,
"So what? What's in this for me?"
Address those concerns and you're always closer
to a sale.
essential here to spell out fully and
persuasively all of the benefits for brokers and
their clients available to brokers whose clients
create or hold business notes. Note that the
headline before the salutation in the rewrite
below highlights the benefits a broker receives
(referral fees and larger commissions) from
working with Poser. These benefits also get
stressed in the body of the letter.
Enclosure: The letter
needs to motivate the person reading the letter
to read the enclosed booklet, which hammers home
in more detail the benefits of working with
Poser and how the process of selling business
notes works for participating brokers.
Structure: Besides the
added headline, the new version adds a P.S.,
which you should always use to drive home the
benefits of the product or service at hand, or
provide an extra incentive for acting now. The
P.S. is always the second most read section of
any letter (the headline or opener is the
Now here is my revised version
of the letter.
The "After" Version
Poser Investments, Inc.
150 N. Santa Anita Ave., Suite 300
Arcadia, CA 91006
REFERRAL FEES FROM US, LARGER COMMISSIONS
FROM YOUR CLIENTS - JUST FROM INFORMING THEM HOW
THEY CAN "CASH IN" ON THE BUSINESS
YOU'RE HELPING THEM TO SELL.
As a business broker, you
undoubtedly know that over two hundred thousand
seller-financed business notes are created every
year when businesses are bought and sold. But
you may not appreciate the full extent of the
opportunity for additional profits represented
by that fact.
Poser Investments, Inc., is
the nation's largest purchaser of business
notes. Every week of the year we pay out
referral fees to business brokers who, by
referring clients to us, help the clients obtain
a lump sum of cash for otherwise non-liquid
business notes. By showing your clients how to
obtain cash for their business, you not only
earn our referral fees, you also increase your
commissions by closing sales that hang in the
balance over the issue of cash.
What distinguishes us from
other companies is that we buy only business
notes - with our own funds. Additionally, we are
members of both the International Association of
Business Brokers and the Business Opportunity
Council of California. Not many companies in our
profession can say that.
Enclosed is a booklet that
should answer most of your questions about how
working with us can land extra money in your
bank account from our referral fees and help
earn additional commissions from gratified
business sellers who can now fully enjoy their
retirement or finance the purchase of a new
business through you.
I look forward to hearing from
Janice Gaylord, Associate
Poser Investments, Inc.
P.S. Please note that there is
no cost for you or your client to call our
office, and have me outline the available
options for a specific business-note situation,
or for me to answer any of your questions about
how we might work together. So call me, Janice
Gaylord, at 1-800-333-1527 today!
Marcia Yudkin. All rights reserved.
Want more illuminating
lessons like this? "Turn Any
Letter Into an Irresistible Sales Generator,"
a downloadable self-study course, contains 20+
before-and-after sales letters for situations
ranging from a pediatrician's update for parents
to a mail order publisher's letter angling for a
sales letter course.
Learn the 10 steps involved in
creating a successful lead-generating letter
campaign by mailing pieces like the one above,
along with 10 sample letters and
commentary. Fill your appointment book
with prospect meetings and reliably grow your
sales pipeline. Generate
leads through letters.
If you'd like a free,
no-obligation quote on a sales letter makeover,
simply email your draft to Marcia
Yudkin or fax it to her at 1-413-280-0996.
Want to learn to perform
makeovers like this one - and get paid for your
skill? Check out the Marketing
Protégé Program, a one-on-one tutorial
that trains you to become a marketing consultant
in 10 weeks.
Copyright 1999 Marcia Yudkin.
All rights reserved.